It's 12:42 AM on Wednesday morning. I am sweaty. Hot and sweaty. I just turned the air on full blast. I'm drinking 7 up and watching (half heartedly Conan). Are Geraldo jokes still funny? Come on Conan...you can do better than that. I just watched the Wedding Crasher with Ryan and Miki. It wasn't bad. A bit slow, but some funny jokes....stomach sticks...ahahaha.

I'm waiting to hear about my potential life changing "thing." I can barely wait. I just want to know if I have a chance. Ugh. So frustrating. The more I think about it the more I want it. Sorry I can't be more specific...I will share more when I can. You'll just have to take my word that this would be some top level shit.

I should go to bed soon.

I might go to CBGB's tomorrow night for a friend (or rather acquaintance) of mine's show. I can't remember what the band is called...let me check the website...um I'm still not sure...like I said, just an acquaintance. I did eat a burrito with him tonight, you think I would know more.
It's either CBGB's or poker and that damn Michael cleaned me out last week...cleaned me out. I think he and Starlee were somehow cheating. You can't trust a mini person and her carpenter boyfriend.

My friend Josh is getting a dog on Thursday. Do you think he would let me take care of him over some weekend? That would be mighty nice...I'd let him lick my face and then the dog could too...haha.

This Saturday me and the J meister are taking a few of the other groomsmen to get the tuxedos for the wedding. Should be fun. I wonder if I could talk him into getting a shirt with ruffles?

I love my Netflix Friends Data. Here are some of my Netflix friend's statistics:

Most Hated Movies
Mona Lisa Smile (yes agree, totally sucked...but costumes were pretty..made me want to wear pearls)
Tommy Boy (never saw it, but one of Celia and Ally's most FAV movies)
Happiness
Seance
Rush Hour
Secret Window (did suck)
Huey P. Newton Story (wha? Huey Lewis? Fig Newton?)
The Bodyguard (come onnnn, have you no romance in your heart? What about when the knife cuts the scarf in half...hot..haha)
Lethal Weapon 4
Out of Africa (again, my friends are not romantics)

Most Loved Movies
Austin Powers 2
Psycho
Apocalypse Now (my friends are obviously mostly in jail)
Dead Poets Society
12 Monkeys (gotta love the Pitt)
American Beauty
The Fox and the Hound (um...?)
The Incredibles
Blade Runner
The Godfather, Part II

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. I just got back from the dentist. I HATE THE DENTIST. And because Jebus hates me he gives me teeth that need constant care and upkeep, not to mention more nerves and a smaller mouth than the average human. Ugh. Right now it's an hour after my Dr appointment and I still can't feel most of my face and if someone were to ask me to smile I would look like I had a palsy. I can't feel my left nostril and I have 3 more appointments to make in the next month. Jebus! I shake my fist at you!

In other news, I still haven't heard from Chuck Klosterman...but I have heard back from John Hodgman. He has presented me with a list of 101 hobo names. This is just a handful of the names that will be in his upcoming book The Area of My Expertise, which comes out in October. I've heard very good things about it. His knowledge does not end with hobos...oh no. He also knows a lot about: Matters Historical, Matters Literary, Matters Cryptozoological, Squirrels & Lobsters & Eels, Food Drink and Cheese (a kind of food), Haircuts, Utopia, and What will happen in the future.


Here are some hobo names...in no particular order (my favorites are marked with an X):

1. Boxcar Ted
2. Boxcar Mick
3. Dr. Bill the Boxcar medic
4. Boxcar Jones, the boxcar Benjamin Disraeli X
5. Boxcar Aldous Huxley
6. JR Lintstockings
7. “X,” the Anonymous Man or Woman
8. Randall Mouth-Harp
9. Cthulu Carl
10. Del Folksy-Beard
11. Duke Jeremiah Choo Choo
12. Chainmail Giles
13. Sherlock Holmes Hat Carl III
14. Ponzi-Scheme Jeremiah Ponzi
15. Knee Brace Kenny X
16. Morris the Personal Trainer
17. Cleats Onionpocket
18. Deformed Abe
19. Frog-eatin’ Lou the Beast
20. Max Meatboots the First Class Lounger X
21. Dora the Explorer
22. Commodore Sixty-Four
23. ol Stiffpants X
24. Lonely Heiney Alan Meister
25. Woody Damn
26. Gravybelly Dunstan
27. Extra Skin Dave X
28. Tommy Lice-comb X
29. “Medicated Shampoo” Jonah Jump
30. Giant Leathery Wings Roland
31. Nick Nolte
32. Robert the Tot
33. Robert the Child-Size
34. Robert the Miniscule
35. Robert the Wee
36. Robert Fits-In-A-Case
37. Robert Eats-For-Free
38. Robert Is-He-An-Elf? (The seven Silk brothers, all named Robert, were also known for their small stature and predictable bitterness)
39. Salty Salty Friday
40. Manny Stillwaggon, the Man With the Handlebar Eyebrows
41. Hard Flossing Mary Peak
42. Stingo the Bandana Origami Prodigy
43. Thermos H. Christ
44. The Nine Doctor Whos
45. Lord Winston Two-Monocles
46. The Freewheelin’ Barry Sin
47. Albuterol Inhaler Preston McWeak
48. Tom False-lips-Real-teeth X
49. Fabulon Darkness
50. Cricket Eating Charles Digges
51. Pally McAffable, everybody’s friend
52. Half-dollar Funk Nelson
53. Chili-Mix Wilma Bensen
54. Rumpshaker Phil
55. The Fucky from Kentucky
56. Roundhouse Farter
57. Fake Cockney Accent Alan Strippe X
58. Johnny RC Airplane
59. Sssssssssssssssss the Hisser
60. Half-Albino Alejandro
61. Gluttonous Slim X
62. Antonio the Ombudsman
63. Samuel Gel Insole
64. Lemuel Gel Insole
65. Mississippi Barry Phlegm
66. “Taxachusetts” Glenn
67. Vermont “Greenmountain Boy” Phil Marijuana
68. 49 State Apthorp, the Alaska-phobe
69. My e-hobo.com X
70. Lee Burned-Beyond-Recognition X
71. Hollering Martin Mandible
72. The Chamberlain
73. The Emperor
74. The Ritual-master
75. The Garthim-master
76. The Scientist
77. The Gourmand
78. The Slave-Master
79. The Treasurer
80. The Scroll Keeper
81. The Ornamentalist
82. Dr. Nobel Dynamite
83. Pantless, Sockless, Shoeless Buster Bareass
84. Exoskeleton Chester Fields
85. Roth IRA Romeo Leeds, the Well-Prepared
86. The Beloved Dale Thankyounote
87. Unpronounceable
88. Packrat Red and his Cart O’ Sad Crap
89. Andrea Clarke, The Human Shark
90. Myron Biscuitspear, the Dumpster Archeologist
91. Douglas, The Future of Hoboing
92. Klonopin Clyde
93. Constantly Sobbing Forrester
94. Wise Solomon Babysplitter
95. Juicepockets Thomas Moone
96. Eustace Feetbeer
97. Jonathan Crouton
98. Antigone Spit
99. Neckfat JK Trestle
100. Kerosene-Soaked Tom
101. Amen to Polly Fud

Thank you John Hodgman...thank you.

Liz and I did our Candy Critics class today at 826nyc. I think it went pretty well. I think anything we did probably would have gone over well considering we were feeding a group of 10 years olds more candy than they probably eat at Halloween. After the class we went to Target to excercise off the candy...and drink icees, which put Liz over the sugar limit for the month I think. She's such a light weight, she didn't even drink a third of it...amatuer.

I found Chuck Klosterman's email address and sent him an email about this idea I had. I'll keep you posted if he responds. The subject line was - this might be lame...but...God I'm such a nerd.
I feel like I'm turning into one of those weird old ladies who writes letters to Daytime tellivision stars about their bad attitude and how they shouldn't be stealing their sisters baby like that.

I'm currently watching this really fucked up documentary right now called Living Dolls. Wait, not that Living Dolls...this one. This one little girl's name is Swan...did her parents want her to be a stripper when she grows up because she will make more money than working at the Olive Garden or did they just have hopes of her living out her days in a trailer park?

Ohhh I almost forgot....there is exciting news in the record release section of life this week. Frank Black is back with a solo album. You know what is even better than that? It's alt country! To be released tomorrow.

For those of you a bit weirded out by my proclamation of love for a 13 year old Christian Bale I would just like to say something. When I had the hots for him back then, we were the same age! So it's like some young teen girl having a crush on...oh my God...I can't think of a young cute actor. I'm officially OLD. Anyway, Christian Bale...yummy at any age...as long as you are equally age appropriate. Um..right?

I just had a funny little email trade with John Hodgman. Perhaps that could be the service of this blog. I could write emails to very funny and/or interesting people and they could write me back. I would then post their response on this site? Yes? No? What do you think? Anyone have Chuck Klosterman's email address? I have an email I need to get to him...

So yeah...the bus...I've somehow lost the gumption to write about the bus trip. I'm so OVER it...now I'm just focused on THE PARTY. That's right, Ryan (best roommate eva or BRE henceforth) and I are having a party, but not just any party... we are hosting a pageant...with sashes and trophies and maybe even a tiara or two. Ryan designed this kick ass website that I would love to post here, but the website contains my address and phone number and something tells me that might might not be the best idea. The website even contains a form that all contestants need to fill out. Questions that need to be answered...Your Pageant Name (so we know what to put on the sash) Hottness: from 1 - 7 Articulation - Options: Snobby, Literate, Dumbshit, Internets. You then need to tell us what your talent will be. I can't wait. It's gonna be kick ass. Both of my sisters are coming into the city for the occasion, we are going to have a DJ...what could be better?

There are other interesting developments happening in my life, but I hesitate to write them on this here blog. Everyone will have to wait and see what they are. Some are good, some are bad but could turn into something good. Only time will tell.

I'm back at work full-time after taking a brief hiatus. I was refering to my break as the "summer of love," but since nothing of that sort happened to me except in my dreams I don't think it would really truthful to call it that. I am starting to develop a love hate with my dreamlife. I have these dreams all the time where I'm totally in love with this guy. A love I've never experienced in real life. In the dreams me and this guy are usually just hanging out, but the LOVE is so big. The last dream I had me and this guy were just laying in bed, but he was resting his head on my stomach. And the LOVE oh the love. And then I freakin wake up. And there is no love. There is nothing. Nothing but this big hole where the love used to be. I wake up and miss this man who was laying his head on my stomach with such intense emotions I want to cry. Ugh. Why is my subconcious doing this to me? It's bad enough I have to watch happy couples all over the place and love love love everywhere...why do my dreams need to be filled with it as well?

Here are some things I saw on the internet today that made me happy.
Smells Good
Inventions plus Japan equals good times

I'm currently reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
It's blowing my mind. I started crying on the subway ride home today after reading a certain passage. Maybe I'm just a softy, but God Damn that guy is good.

I bought Aquadrops on the way home. I don't know why. I just was intrigued by the Hydrating Mint idea. How does it hydrate? What will it feel like? Well folks...it tastes like a mint..a wet mint. But I guess Aquadrops...the wet mint doesn't have the same ring to it.

I joined Netflix recently and at first I was watching a movie everyday, but now I can't seem to get myself together enough to watch one a week. The Machinist has been sitting on my table for over a week...and it's got Christian Bale in it! Christian Bale! Sure he plays a ematiated weirdo, but holy shit Christian Bale...I've wanted to fuck him since he played Jim in Empire of the Sun.

OK, must stop writing now. Hang in there with me my dear readers. I have to warm up to this blog stuff again. I'll get back in the swing of things soon.

That's right I'm back. I couldn't stay away any longer. I had too much on my mind. It's a new day my friends and this day is crap too except it's okay that it's crap because you know it and you embrace it and because of that the crap doesn't smell to bad, in fact you kind of like the crap after awhile and it makes you kind of laugh a little bit despite its crap-tasticness.

I have a lot I want to write about and a few minor projects I'm thinking about tackling on this here internets so keep an eye out for interesting developments.

One of the things I'd like to do stemmed from this incredibly stinky bus trip I took from D.C. to New York last night. It was probably one of the worst bus trips I've ever taken and that includes the trip I took to Ithaca NY where the couple in front of me were grooming themselves like monkeys for the entire trip. Usually the Chinatown bus is fairly okay. Okay in terms of not minding the really loud Chinese people on cell phones (not that there is anything wrong with that). And not minding the one guy who was sitting directly behind me once who was trying to sort out some medical payments to the hospital. Now, I know this is a hard thing to sort out sometimes. Insurance is a hassle, but this guy proceeded to yell (honestly yell) all of his entire personal history over the phone, including full name, address, social security number, mother's maiden name, place of birth, and phone numbers. If I was at all feeling a little mean spirited I could have really fucked up his life with the information he so readily screamed to the entire population of the NY to DC Chinatown express. I really wish I wrote it down because after my trip yesterday I'm feeling pretty nasty.

So getting back to yesterday - me DC needing to get to NY. I arranged to take the 6PM bus, which they will "guarantee" you a seat if you buy your ticket online and arrive a half an hour early. However, when I arrived I felt like a Haitian boat of refugees had landed in the middle of Chinatown. Not that these people were Haitian, or even from another country, I'm just trying to convey the look and feel of what I stepped into...masses of people who were sweaty, sun burnt, and majorly pissed off. All of us had tickets, all had arrived at least a half an hour early, none of the chinatown bus people spoke english. I was one of the three last people who were let on the 6PM bus. At first I thought I was lucky, but I now know that Jesus was really mad at me when he got me on that bus...really fucking mad. Because I was one of the last people I had to sit by the dreaded hole of fury otherwise known as the bathroom. Everything was ok until this 20-something girl in this dumb looking hankerchief skirt opened the bathroom "door." When she opened the door it smelled like second-grader vomit left on a wooden desk for two days and a subway bum who has been riding all night in an unconditioned car. She took one look inside and ran to her dreadlocked friend with obligatory nose ring. DFWONR had to see for herself and proceeded to open the door a second time releasing the putrid smell into the air. Once she did this they ran back into the relative freshness of their middle of the bus seats while we in the last two rows were forced to sit in the stench o'destruction. The dumb girls then walked up to the driver and made him take them to the next rest stop to pee because the bus bathroom was too gross. Of course once he stopped everyone piled out while he yelled "Fiteen minut Fiteen minut!" to the departing passengers. You know who were one of the last to arrive back...those damn girls and their friends. This is where this shit gets worse. The Hankercheif skirt girl passes by her seat and is heading for the bathroom again! What! I had to stop her because I was confused. Didn't we just stop and delay the excruciatingly long trip already for her and her too small bladder? Maybe she just didn't realize that everytime the door was opened we in the back rows had to breath in the stench, somewhat a kin to rotting flesh, for about 15 minutes? So I stopped her and said..."Um, didn't you just use the bathroom? I mean, didn't we just stop for you? Maybe you don't realize that it's really smelly back here and we, the back rows, would encourage you and anyone else who needs to void to do so only in extreme dire straits! And she looks at me with this dumb look in her face and was like, "The bathroom in the rest stop had a really long like, and uh, you can't stop me from using this bathroom." Now this sounds like a somewhat okay response, but she said it in such a stupid way...her inflection and tone...just damned annoying. It made me want to punch her. All I could say was, "go for it," and let her pass. After she went in the smell jsut never went away after that. It just lingered in the air. For the entire trip. I wanted to vomit and maybe I should have because I think it would have freshened the air a bit.

Ahh this story has more chapters but I shall wrap it up for now. Stay tuned for part II of...The Stinking Hell of Chinatown Transit.