Good God, it's a happy day. Smoove B has his own web page. Abby and I have been a fan of Smoove for quite a long time now. And now, I share all his sweet sweet lovin for you.

Also, I will wash you.

Well folks, it's all over. I haven't talked much about it on this blog, but I would imagine most of you who read it know exactly what I'm talking about right now.

Jay and Liz got married yesterday in a beautiful cerimony in Prospect Park Brooklyn.
I was given the wonderful gift of being the best man. Most people didn't believe me when I said I was the best man. They assumed I was joking, since I'm neither man, nor very best...but nevertheless, I was the best man.

I also was the musical performer during the ceremony. I sang, along with the help of my lovely sisters Ally and Celia, Our Love is Here to Stay. It was a bit rocky at first, but I think we did okay in the end. People were very gracious and said we did a good job, which we appreciated.

Jay held up really well. The sweetest thing that happened before the wedding was him repeatedly pulling out this piece of paper with a line of their vows on it. Every few minutes he would pull it out and read it, trying to remember it.

The picnic house looked lovely. Candles lit up the room. The flowers: calla lillies, deep red roses, and assorted greenery, lined the isle and the tables. The weather couldn't have been better. Blue skies and a nice chill in the air, which we all appreciated in our warm clothes. Although the bridesmaids were a bit chilly I think in their spaghetti strapped dresses.

It was great seeing all of the friends and family there. I finally met all of the people who I had been hearing about for so long. I enjoyed talking to everyone.

We also were able to give Liz the gift she has always wanted...a coreographed dance number at her wedding. With the help of Heather and a few others they taught assorted friends and family the dance scene from one of Jay's favorite movies, A Knight's Tale. (I know, but I can't judge because I looove The Cutting Edge.)

I'm looking forward to seeing the pictures. I think everyone had a great time. It was a lovely night.

Oh and I did a best man speech too. I think I'll post it here so everyone can see it. Zack compared it to the Gettysburg Address, but he was pretty far gone when he said it, so I'll just say thank you Zack...I never thought I would ever be compared to Lincoln.

Best Man Toast

You go by a few names, either Jason or Jay
And I’ve written a poem for your, and Liz’s very special day
(some of this might not be true, it just rhymed)

Jay, tall and thin, you could call him lanky
He walks very fast and is hardly ever cranky

Liz practices yoga and downs dry martinis
She blogs about life and looks good in bikinis

Liz liked to ice skate, read, and got smart
Jay delivered newspapers and cleaned the Kmart

Jay headed to Philly to study Design
Liz to Puget Sound and a stint of petty crime

In college, Liz was a barista
Jay a hurdy gurdy
I bet she never thought she would end up marrying someone so nerdy

After college Jay lived all over Jersey and with the Overby’s
He drove a Toyota and drank lots of Pepsi

He designed lots of boxes and shoveled some cheese
Then he headed to Pratt where he would get lots of degrees

Liz graduated from the Sound
Had obtained her BA
Then she headed to Brooklyn
Where she decided to stay

One day while walking
She heard the siren call
Of a little store on 7th Ave
And saw a boy, with whom she would fall

With Jennie, Kelly, and Willow they would walk
Past McSweeneys and the boy, with whom they hoped, they would talk

Liz then came up with a brilliant plan
With Willow’s help she would capture this man

Liz entered Willow
in the Miss Mayo Pageant
It was a better plan
than either could have imagined

It was on the way home,
as Liz was driving
Jay looked at her
and there was no denying

No other could attract him
His love hit him hard,
Who would have thought
it would happen in the car?

Jay loves Liz for her beauty, wit,
and her charm
Not to mention her kitchen,
where she keeps cookies warm

Together they laugh
And share wonderful days
Their love, it continues to amaze

And today they are married
Their die has been cast
This union, I know, will last and last and last



Viktor Frankl wrote in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning,

A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth — that loves is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved.

Jason and Liz, you are truly blessed to have found each other.

I would like to take a moment now to talk about this years best comedy album....

R Kelly's Tp.3 Reloaded

That's right, the tween lovin, video tapin, always sexin R. Kelly.
I owe this discovery to Ryan. He was the one who opened my eyes to the glory of the RK.

Everytime I listen to this album I discover something else that makes me laugh like a mo fo.
Some of the quotes listed below are not safe for the chillen, so if you are a chillen, you better stop reading and go here.

Ok - back to the RK.
Not only has he created the "gets better every time I hear it" Trapped In the Closet R&B opera, the other songs on the album are equally magnificent. Here are some of my favorite lyrics.

I am not making this shit up.


From - In the Kitchen
"Sex in the kitchen over by the stove
Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls"

From - Hit it till the mornin
"Come let a West Side Nigga slide this dick off in yo womb, Uh huh" I kid you not...this is what he says. I was at work when I was listening to this...I almost fell off my chair.

From - Put my T Shirt On
"Wonna sex u in my white T
Do you in my white T
Freak you in my white T
Gurl put on my white T"

Do you think he wants to freak her in his white T?

Honestly, if this was a comedy album it would win a Grammy. I have to think the R's sincere about all this sexin. He really thinks this way. Did anyone see his performance on the MTV video awards? He lip-synced chapter 6. It was brilliant!
If anyone wants to see more of this absolute brilliance, please go here...and if you see any more great lines, please let me know.

Go Fuck yourself Mr. Cheney - I love the fact that this guy uses the more formal, 'Mr.' Cheney, instead of just saying Cheney or even Dick. Ahhh, sometimes I love people.

I would also like to take some time to congratulate my Mam on her first column in the Humboldt Iowa News. And for your cooks out there, desert lovers, or just people who want to gain a few pounds, she says the recipe below is awesome:

Gooey Caramel Pull Apart Rolls
22 frozen dinner rolls
1 cup brown sugar
cup butter
2 tbsp. milk
1 pkg. vanilla pudding (not instant) (*Krista says -um, what other kinds are there? I'm serious)
tsp. cinnamon (optional)

Spray or butter a 9x13 pan. Arrange frozen rolls in pan. Melt the margarine, mix in brown sugar, milk, pudding and cinnamon. Dabble on top of frozen rolls. Cover tightly with foil and let stand on counter overnight. Spray foil with Pam to keep rolls from sticking to it. Bake next morning at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes. Let stand five minutes then invert onto platter.

Anyone doing anything fun this weekend? Anyone want to invite me along?

For anyone who hasn't seen Kanye West's comments on Hurricane Katrina and George Bush, you must...must watch it now...for so many reasons.

And while you are at it, watch the Hannity report on Fox News with Geraldo Rivera and Shephard Smith...insane. I had no idea people weren't ALLOWED to walk across the bridge to a safer place. No idea. All of my friends kept saying we would have just walked out of there...and we were all wondering why..why didn't people just walk from the Superdome to another town, with water, food, and electricity. Answer, our government wouldn't let them. Wouldn't let them, in the land of the free, walk across a bridge to safety.

I've been inspired by this blog and decided to write about this atrocious date I had on Friday night. It's been haunting me all weekend. The more I think about it, the madder I get.

I'm beginning to think it might not be a bad idea to measure my head for a wimple. I am not a regular on the dating "scene." I'm more of a date my friends type girl, which means I probably have to grow on people. And after this date I had I'm starting to think that I am one of the lucky ones. Dating sucks.

Okay, so here is my story. I met this guy a couple months back. He's a friend of a friend. He asked me out. He's cute, not my usual cup of tea, but as I said before I'm not usually asked out by strangers, so I thought I should go. We went out a couple of times and he bored the hell out of me. I need to start listening to my inner bitch more. I should have listened to the girl who, when this guy called her up out of the blue again, should have said... thanks, but no thanks. But I didn't. I listened to the other side of me who was like, "Krista you never go out..ever!" So I agreed and met him at a local movie theater.

He's still cute, but for all of his persistence on the phone and on email, he gets strangely remote in person and I'm starting to remember he was the same way before. We are early for the movie, so we agree to go have a drink. We get to this cute little bar and before we even get to the bartender he says, "do you mind if we go dutch on this." Ok, that's cool, he did pay for the movie tickets online before we met up, so I'll let this slide. I wasn't upset that I had to pay (it was fair and I would have offered myself if he would have actually let me get to the bar before he asked), I was more taken aback at his timing. He clearly had been thinking about the money thing before we got to the bar.

So we have a drink and try to talk to each other. This guy is so boring. No sense of humor. Doesn't ask me about anything. Doesn't offer anything about himself. After our drinks we walk to the theater. The movie starts and we are sitting there...all of a sudden he breaks out a piece of paper and starts scribbling in the dark. So I ask, "Uh, what are you doing?" He's like, "oh I hobby as a film reviewer." So that's cool, I like hobbies as much as the next person, but he only took notes at the beginning of the film..then he stopped....which leads me to believe he only jotted down those notes so he could tell me he liked to write film reviews...as a hobby. Which is so lame. He also has this weird loud laugh that comes out after everyone else has laughed. It's like his circuits are loose. I start looking for his on/off switch, maybe he needs to be rebooted.

After the movie he asks if I would like to get another drink and I said sure..because I am a glutton for punishment. We walk down Atlantic passed all of these cute little bars and restaurants and he says something like "I'm gonna take you to a hole in the wall." Be still my beating heart! A real hole in the wall! Really...me! Gosh, how lucky can a girl get! Um...Is this supposed to be cool? Turns out he wants to take me to Hanks Saloon, this place I've passed a million times. It has flames painted on the side and Budweiser neon in the windows. It usually has a loud band playing inside the dank space. Part of me is thinking, cool, I've always wanted to go in there...It looks like a fun place to drown your sorrows, but on a date? You can't even talk to someone while standing on the corner of that place...I can't imagine how loud it will be INside. And this place is obviously not the type of place he would go to on his own...I would give more details, but I want to protect his identity (more for my sake than his).

And now it gets worse. As we are crossing the street to get to Hanks and it's flaming walls this guy says..."Is that Duane Reade on your corner still 24 hours?" I was struck dumb..wha? "Um, I don't know, why? You need some 24 hour pharmacy products in my neighborhood?" Then he says something like, " You know, it's just good to know in case I need to run down there." Then it hits me...this guy is talking about condoms. WHAA?? I had given no signs that I would even kiss him at the end of the night....but sex? WHAA! I hadn't even touched him the entire night. And he has the nerve to say that! I got so mad. I was fuming. I was shocked. We get into the bar and he leaves to go to the bathroom, AFTER he tells me what drink to BUY him. I sit there and I was so shocked. I was like, should I just walk out? Then I was thinking, did he really mean that...yes I think he did...did he? So the really cute and friendly bartender comes over and I just order our drinks. The band that was playing was this awesome rockabilly band with pompadours and the vibe inside Hanks was actually really cool. So I order a jack and ginger and I get him his girly drink (any guy who orders anything with a "splash" of cranberry juice is just dumb).

And we sit there. You can't talk in that place. It's too loud. The only people who go in there are there for the band or to get so drunk they can't stand up. I think he was there for the latter...but not for him...for me. It was then that I decided what I would do.

I drink another drink, he drinks another...I am actually enjoying the band and the people there. The place just had a really friendly vibe. We sit there for a bit, I ignore him and he starts rubbing my leg. Ugh. But I let him, one - because I'm drunk and two - because I know what I'm planning to do in about 10 minutes. All of a sudden he's like let's get out of here. I stand up, a bit wobbly and he puts his arm around me and leads me to the door. On the corner he starts looking for a cab. Meanwhile he hasn't asked me if I WANT to go anywhere else with him. He just has decided that he's taking me someplace. He has under-estimated my tolerance to alcohol. He can't get a cab on the corner so he then points me in the direction of the car service around the block. Still not asking me if I want to go home with him. So we get around the corner, he gets a car and as the guy opens the door I say, "ok, well I'm going home, bye." He is shocked. He just looks at me. I start towards the car and he grabs me and says, "why, are you going home?" in this whiny ass voice. I said" Yep" and get in the car.

Jackass!

Epilogue.
He wrote me an email when he got home...called me a "meanie." EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Official Retraction

Dear Starlee,

I am sorry. I didn't know you would read my blog. Hell, I didn't know anyone other than my mother read my blog and she only reads it to see if I'm having sex with anyone (which I'm not Mom). So when I wrote about you in a previous entry I had no idea you would somehow find this blog and read what I had written.

Starlee, I had no idea you were in the habit of googling yourself and that in one of those googles you would find this little blog and read that I said you cheated at poker and that you were a mini person. I had no idea that you would read that entry and remember it and tell our friend Joe that you had read the entry and now I feel sorry. I only met you once. And I liked you. And I hoped you liked me. And I liked your carpenter boyfriend. And I only said you both cheated because I was a poor sport. You didn't cheat and your boyfriend didn't cheat. You both are just really great poker players and I was jealous....but you are short Starlee...I can't take that part back.

Love,
Krista