You must check this out.
I also have a new favorite show. Runs House.

He asks, "what are your thoughts on Polaroid technology?"
Huh? "Polaroid technology? As in Polaroid cameras?"
"Yes, Polaroid cameras, what are your thoughts?"

I'm in his apartment, laying with my legs over his. We're in a casual relationship, which means I've been over to his apartment a few times before. But this is the first time he's brought up "Polaroid technology."

"Why are you asking me what my thoughts are on Polaroid technology?" I ask, but I know immediately what he's asking. I can't believe this is happening. Never in my life did I think I would have to answer the question he is posing.
He can sense my shock and he backs down.
"Nevermind," he then shifts his attention back to watching the movie and rubbing my legs.
"Um, no, I really want to know why you are asking." Why I keep pushing this I'll never know. My brain knows what he is up to. I guess I just want to be sure, in some sick way.
"Well, it's just that I find you really attractive and I would like to take some pictures of you."
Be-scuse-me??? Half of me is laughing hysterically and the other half wants to kick him in the balls.

This is the moment my mother prepared me for a long time ago. I know most mothers probably tell their young daughters not to get into cars with strange men and never have sex without a condom, but my mom decided that the main lessons I needed to learn were, never let anyone tie you up and never let anyone take naked pictures of you. She probably doesn't remember saying this to me, but I've never forgotten. It was just too funny. I always wondered did my mom once have a man take nudie pictures of her and then sell them to the hippie version of Hustler?

"Um, no way." I say to him. "I have to think of my political future."
"Oh you are thinking of going into politics?" He actually says this.
"No, I was just kidding about the politics part, but not my answer."
"Your head wouldn't be in any of the shots."

Hahahaha - Is this better? Now he is telling me he wants faceless, headless nudie pictures. I'm remembering back to a trip I took to Nevada. A friend and I stopped at a gas station/brothel. You gotta love Nevada. While she filled up the car I took the menu of available brothel options. They actually have a menu. Some options were fairly straightforward; 30 minutes of missionary, 60 minutes of doggie with cuddling after...but one stopped me in my tracks. One of the options included a mattress with a hole cut in it. Under the mattress a woman would lay. This way the man could have sex without touching or seeing the woman at all. He would just have access to her hole, through a hole. So, this is what I thought of as this guy is looking at me and said my head wouldn't be in any of the shots.

"It's only for me."
"No"
"It's like art. Don't you like erotica?"
"No"
"Do you want to see some I've already taken?"
"No!"

No thank you sir, I don't think that seeing your other headless faceless shots of some women who for some reason said yes would make me change my mind. I was struck by this. Women have actually said yes to him. Why? Where they in real relationships with him? Did this question come 3 years into the relationship? Baby, it's for me, I love you so much and I don't want to ever forget your headless faceless body. Or perhaps he said, Baby, isn't this better than me looking at some other ladies in a magazine? Wouldn't you rather I jack off to your faceless headless body baby? Or maybe they just never had a mom like mine who had the forethought to tell them at a young age that this was something that you should never ever do...ever...that and the tying up part.

"I just love your body. I don't invite a lot of women to my apartment."

In other words I am special. In that case, Mr. Man, where is that Polaroid! Let me just hide my face with this pillow. What would you like me to do with my legs?

Who has this ever worked for? Perhaps the Learning Annex should dump the Trump Real Estate course and get someone to talk to young girls about not letting stupid men take advantage of them. I think my mom is free.

"No, don't ask me again. I will never change my mind."

I guess this means the end of our casual relationship. Oh well, at least I'll never have to worry about any headless faceless shots haunting me and my political future.

I am the queen of mood swings! I needed to update my blog because it was too happy. I needed to bring it down a bit...because hell...it's my blog and I can do what I want.

But first I will tell you about a really funny episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm I watched recently. Why I didn't like this show when I first saw an episode a while ago I'll never know, because now I can see that it's truly one of the best shows on TV. The episode that made me laugh so hard the other day was an episode that had Colby from Survivor and a Survivor of the Holocaust fighting about who had it worse. Ahhh, comedy.

Anyway, back to me being sad. Maybe sad is the wrong word. Maybe sick and tired is better. I'm so sick and tired of being in imaginary relationships with boys who spend all of their time with me and then get a girlfriend who is sooo not as cool as I am! I think I'm getting close to closing my door on having friends who are boys. It's just fucking hard because I have so much fun hanging out with these boys. However, it makes me question whether I am having so much fun because in my head we are seconds away from making out and having him proclaim his never ending love and devotion (which never happens...I'm shaking my fist at God as I write this) or am I truly just having fun hanging out with boys.....me thinks I already know the answer. I'm a sucker for romance...real or imaginary.

I probably shouldn't let this be known, but if you are reading this and you are a single friend of mine with a penis...I have probably made out with you in my head at least once.

God I love today. You know how there are some people who need a certain amount of sunlight in order not to be sad? I think I'm like that, only I need a cold front instead of sun. Today is one of those great overcast cool fall days and I'm loving every bit of it. I am actually remembering what I feel like when I'm feeling good. It's been so long. I've felt so at odds with myself. If feels like forever since I felt good in my own skin. I've been thinking that I need to get out of the city, that's it's the city that is making me feel bad. I've been searching for a place I could go to feel better. Every day thinking about how I can escape from this city. But today I woke up and could feel the cool air. See the wet leaves on the street. I've had an old friend in visiting me this weekend. And we went out to a diner for breakfast. Then started walking down this street. Brownstones on both sides. Mums planted in the yard. Pumpkins on a few stoops. Walking past people with long sleeved shirts on. And my friend says, "I must be so nice living here." And I stopped. And paused and for the first time in so long I said yes...yes it is. And I believed it, and felt in my core that it was the truth.

I had forgotten the love I felt for this place. And I do love it. I love the people I've met here. It's been good to me. And I need to remember that, and I thank the cold front for reminding me this time.

So my friend has left for his train. And I'm in my great apartment. I put 5 cds in my cd player that is still going strong after 12 YEARS. 12 YEARS! Thank you Sony and thank you Dad for buying me this cd player. So now I'm listening to some Lyle Lovett and sitting on my sofa and feeling good.

I wish fall could last forever.

I've decided that I want a comprehensive list of the best songs ever written about the lack of love. It could be that love has left or love has never been...all songs will be considered. I would like to know the songs you feel are the best of the saddest, most painful love songs you have ever heard. When I feel a song makes the cut, I will add it to the official Sad Songs Say So Much List (note, title of Sad Song List may change when I'm feeling less of a dork).

I will start the list with the few I can think of now. (If you would like to contest any of the songs I have chosen please let me know, via the comment link, and I will take your argument into consideration. For example, my new roommate Davin just offered up Here I Go Again On My Own by Whitesnake and I Used to Love Her But I Had to Kill Her by Guns N Roses...even though I appreciate his spunk, these will not make the cut.)

But not for me - Gershwin
Heavy Heart - You am I
Don't think twice it's alright - Bob Dylan
Love has no pride - Bonnie Raitt
She's already made up her mind - Lyle Lovett


By the way, the need for this list isn't because of any deep feelings on my part. I just thought I need to create some good lists. After lost love, perhaps I can start on best songs about riding the bus....oh and I can think of a good one right about now.