A Dating Proposal

Most of you have asked me for more stories about my dating disasters.

I would love to comply. Believe me. Nothing makes me happier than forgoing a lovely evening in order to have something funny to write about when I get home. However, I can't write about bad dates unless I actually go on a date. So here is what I'm thinking:

Do you know a guy out there who you think would be perfect for me to go on a bad date with? Do you want to set him up on a date with me so you can read the next day exactly how he fucked everything up? Or are you a guy who just can't seem to get that second date no matter how well you think the first date went? If so, you are probably a bad date and you are exactly the kind of guy I want to go out with.

Now, just to be clear. I'm not looking for someone to go out of their way to be a bad date. I want a sincere bad date. I want the date to go down the tubes organically. I want him to honestly believe that asking me what size my boobs are on the first date is actually the way to win a gal over.

So, if you know a guy who will fit the bill, or a guy who just seems to have no luck with the ladies, but can't figure out just what the problem is...then get in touch with me. Write me an email - kriscuz@gmail.com - and tell me why you or your friend is a person who will show me a really crappy night. I live in the NYC area, so the date would need to happen here. I might take two subway train changes to go on a bad date, but I'm not taking MetroNorth.

If we do succeed in going out and having a terrible time I will write about it the next day. I will not reveal your name, but I will write about everything that went wrong. Hopefully we will both get something out of it. I will have something to write about that makes everyone happy and you might figure out just what you are doing wrong. You might find love on the next date you go on after you remember that you should not order a drink at the bar and then disappear to the bathroom so she has to pay for your rum and coke.

I'm totally serious about this.

Does anyone read this blog anymore? I'm beginning to feel blonely (blog lonely). No one has commented on anything in ages! Am I just boring? Is nothing comment worthy? I need some blove! (blog love).

Every time a church bell rings Mr. T pities a fool.

Jay calls me up last Friday and asks, "What are you doing tomorrow?" I can tell from his rushed pattern of speech this isn't a casual question.

(I should be working on the 3 papers I need to write for school.) "Nothing, why?"

"Do you want to go with Liz and I for the World Champion Meatball Eating Contest in Atlantic City?"

"Hells Yes!" I answer and that is it.

Liz was asked by Urban Honking's Food Blog to be an east coast correspondent and cover this year's meatball eating contest and she wants some company. So of course I went! How could I not?

Here is a link to the article we wrote for Digest (yes, we, I somehow finagled my way into Liz's correspondent job and now we are sharing the byline). I hope you enjoy it.

Thank you Liz for letting me share in this very unique day.

Actual exchange between Tom and I today while sitting in the back of a rented car on our way to Atlantic City for Tropicana's Meatball Eating World Championship.

I get in the car.
Tom: "You're sitting on a coconut"
Me: "Ha"

About 10 minutes later after deciding to see what was uncomfortably pushing into my back.

Me: Reaching around and finding I'm sitting on a coconut. "I'm sitting on a coconut!"
Tom: "I told you that you were sitting on a coconut 10 minutes ago."
Me: "Yeah, but I didn't think your meant I was really sitting on a coconut."

We pull into the garage of the Tropicana we are driving around looking for a parking space. As we approach a car leaving a close spot one of the backseat passengers of their car rolls down the window and holds a banana out of the window. Liz screams, "Get the coconut! Get the coconut!" Tom finds the coconut and holds it out of the window. Everyone in both cars laughs. Is God trying to tell us something? Where did the coconut come from anyway?

On the way home Tom keeps picking up the coconut and shaking it.
Tom, shaking coconut and listening to the swish of the coconut milk: "It sounds like the ocean."
Me: "Man, it doesn't sound like the ocean. It sounds like the bathtub."

I love me some CAMS!

Where is the Midnight Buffet Cam

Cuddly Cam

Spooky Cam

Soon to be Divorced Cam

Slammer Cam

Alcoholic Cam

Trashy Cam

Myth Cam

Spicy Cam

I though my office was boring Cam

Too much time on their hands Cam

They Poop a lot Cam

Watching Paint Dry would be more interesting Cam

Worst Cam Yet Cam

Chihuahua Cam

Giuseppe Cam

You'd Make a Lovely Coat Cam

Anyone Got a Barrel Cam?